This may be too deep.....

Fear has many expressions. For some folks, it often manifests as a need to be perfect... the perfect home, perfect children, perfect marriage, and a perfect body; and they usually want to always appear happy and optimistic. At the other end of the spectrum are those who self-sabotage in negative ways. They become delinquent, addicted, irresponsible, neglectful, or sexually promiscuous -- the people society and the religious right ostracizes, particularly when they pick up a disease like HIV. We look down on folks who are in the bar every weekend, or the one whose lives are utter chaos. Somewhere in the middle of these two extremes are folks who are simply indifferent. Unmotivated, uncaring, tuned out from the world… they live each day without hope or purpose: watching hours of TV, wasting endless time on the telephone, or chatting online with strangers. They distract themselves from their fears by vacating -- that is, they self-sabotage by doing nothing at all.

Although the behaviors of the perfectionist, the promiscuous, and the indifferent are contrary, the symptoms all come from the same source: feeling inadequate. Inadequacy drives many people to search for worth and validation. If, as children or young teenagers, they never felt pretty or handsome enough, smart enough, rich enough, tall enough, skinny enough, loved enough, or wanted enough, they may still be carrying that fear deep inside.

Many people will do anything to hide that fear from the world. This is what drives so many to become controlling. I'm reminded of a time, more than 12 years ago… I was devastated by a health diagnosis, and decided to talk to a very good friend. I was an emotional wreck, and broken hearted about my newly apparent shortened life, of which I’d lost complete control. She gently smiled at me and said, "You never had control of it to begin with." My friend spoke such words of wisdom.

The enormity of her words didn’t hit me at first. Over the years, I have realized the magnitude of that simple statement. We really don’t have any control over the final outcome of any situation. No matter how diligent we are, there will always be extenuating circumstances over which we have no control. We’ll never be able to please everybody and make everyone like us. We won’t be able to stop people from gossiping about us if they want to. Folks who talk about others and put others down must be so miserable in their own lives, they resort to mean spiritedness just to feel better about themselves. We can not change our mate, children, parents, or friends. And we’ll certainly never be able to stop natural disasters and diseases, so why do we kid ourselves into thinking that we could actually have control over anything? People are people, not perfect, not even close. I only know of one perfect person, and he gave his life for us a long time ago.

We must let go and choose to exert energy in the only areas that we do have control over: our own attitudes, moods, actions, and energy levels; what we say about others; how we view ourselves; what we put into our mouths; and what we choose to do with our bodies. The beautiful Serenity Prayer is one we should all live by:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

We need to love ourselves for all our frailties and imperfections, because, although things could be better, they could also be much worse; and in order for us to learn and grow, things are meant to be just the way they are for now. We need to love those who love us back in a healthy and giving way, and accept that we don’t always have to be right or perfect, or pretend that we’re happy when we’re not. Having flaws doesn’t mean that we’re flawed… but it does mean that we’re human.

Many of us learned unhealthy attitudes while growing up. If raised by overly strict parents, our lives were focused on following rigid rules. I discovered that by keeping quiet and stuffing my feelings down, my father and stepmother were somewhat appeased -- Dad focused on his beer, and my stepmother on Chivas Regal, Darvon and Librium. If were raised by neglectful parents who were rarely around, folks learned to fend for themselves out of necessity, growing up sooner than they should have had to. Something in the middle must be closer to proper parenting, and raising a healthy, well-adjusted, normal kid.

One way to break the cycle is by cultivating joy. Joy is different from happiness -- joy is something you are -- happiness is something you search for. Happiness comes from external events or experiences; therefore, you have little control over it. In other words, you can have it swept right out from under your feet. Joy can’t be bought or sold, and it absolutely can’t be found in a pound of chocolates or a tub of ice cream or a bottle of bourbon. It doesn’t come from someone telling you that you’re wonderful or beautiful -- it comes from within. It arises when you live in the moment, appreciate the simple things, give thanks for your blessings, and keeping your faith in the bad times. It stems from facing your fears and relinquishing control.

I know all too well how difficult this is to achieve all the time, and I’m sure that even the most serene people must occasionally feel anxious when life throws them a curve ball, but those folks have somehow mastered accepting those things they can’t control or fix. Their internal dialogue continually reinforces that they like who they are, and as long as they stay true to themselves, they’ll always be okay. This is authentic power, and it opens the door to joy. I’m envious of them, for I imagine their lives must have so much more meaning.

I continue to work on self-love -- not looking good for others, making lots of money, or having a perfect body. Self-love comes from acceptance, forgiveness, and faith. It’s having faith that, without question, you alone are enough, you’re worthy of love, and you’ll be fine with whatever comes your way.

Young children have an in-born faith. They don’t question whether things will work out; they know exactly what they want, who they are, and what they like. They never question themselves, and hopefully never doubt their parents love them. Have you ever seen a two-year-old having a temper tantrum? He doesn’t care who’s watching! It’s poor Mom standing in the grocery store who’s embarrassed and worried that people will think she’s a bad mother. Kids know exactly what they think: No one can tell them that their pink polka-dot shirt doesn’t match their blue striped skirt (some adults I know too), and they don’t worry about the designer label inside their jacket or even if their hair is combed. Children haven’t yet learned to deny their feelings or to numb them with one of society’s coping mechanisms. I’ve never heard of a three-year-old who needs a rum and Coke in his bottle to calm his nerves, although sadly I have heard of a parent doing such a thing for their own moment of calm.

The abundance of energy most kids have is natural and normal. They love to move their bodies, running, jumping, swinging, and climbing . . . feeling alive. And they should have that time to do so, as life can be so very short. Instead, our parents taught us to sit in front of the TV for hours and shut up, while they complained about life and adult matters. Children are taught these lessons very young -- and we learned them very well, too. It happened just around the time we began searching for acceptance and approval.

We stopped listening to our bodies and doing what we loved around the time we hit puberty. We were changing and growing into young adults, and the messages we heard from our parents and society were becoming a part our internal dialogue. As we grew, these attitudes intensified, and soon our self-worth was determined by external approval: the size of our bank account, home; or how popular we were. Still, we search for happiness from these things, oblivious to the fact that it can never come from someone or something outside ourselves. We’re constantly tempted by the distractions of the world as we struggle for validation and approval. Being an adolescent is tough enough… I can only imagine all the struggles teenagers and young adults go through these days. My youth was rough enough. More than 20 years later, society norms have changed dramatically.

Feeling the pain or stress of difficult times can be very hard, but it’s the most important lesson you can learn and a lesson I continue to study and work through. Of course, it’s easier said than done, but you have to accept that tough times are a part of life. Everybody’s on a roller-coaster ride, hoping to be up more than down. So know that every time you overcome your natural desire to reach for a coping mechanism such as cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or food, you become stronger in all ways: emotionally, physically, and mentally. Each time you discover why you’re responding defensively, sensitively, or aggressively, you’ll find yourself spending less and less time in the valleys, because you’ve learned how to pick yourself up and listen to your body’s true needs. You’ll respect and nurture yourself with love, refusing to find comfort with artificial means. Very soon, you’ll climb those mountains of life faster and easier, and you’ll realize that those bad habits no longer have a hold over you.